A CORNUCOPIA OF HOLIDAY EMOTIONS
As retirees approach the holiday’s we are faced with invitations to celebrate with family and friends. Choosing if, who, and where you will celebrate can be tricky to navigate. As the elders in a family, you’ll have two, maybe four generations of family who have grown in different directions and have been influenced by their partners, careers, or life circumstances that differ widely from yours. Family dynamics on a regular day can be difficult. Add COVID-19 and a contentious political election into the family dynamic mix, and your cornucopia of beautiful fruits and veggies can turn into a “not so smoothie” of mush! If you want to stay out of the boxing ring and avoid a few broken feelings, let’s explore some solutions.
The dictionary defines cornucopia as an abundant supply of good things of a specified kind. Whether you differ on how you celebrate, where you celebrate, or if one “side” doesn’t get along with the other “side,” and you want to keep your gatherings pleasurable and filled with joy, there are a few things to keep in mind. How these challenges surface may be more within your control than you think. It’s easy to point blame away from ourselves, but the truth is, we are 100% responsible for our actions and reactions. Most of us will probably survive holiday gatherings. However, if you would prefer to thrive, there are a few things you can do beforehand.
Live by the motto, “If You Spot It, You Got It,”.
Psychologist Martha Beck made this genius phrase famous! When you find yourself getting “triggered” by something someone says or does, look “inside.” Blaming another is a way of not dealing with YOUR underlying unconscious behavior or wound. When we start to hear that silent blame rant in our head, that is our cue to look at why we got triggered, not who is doing the triggering. Focusing on “who” is a temporary fix and really doesn’t help us feel better. Tending to the “why” we got triggered promotes spiritual and permanent growth.
Projection is simpler to spot but not necessarily easier to deal with. It is more of an unconscious behavior that perceives the limitations in you that you are projecting onto others. Psychology Today defines projection as a well-known cornerstone of psychological defense that distracts our awareness of our own undesirable traits by making us “see” those traits in others. So, the uncomfortable question we need to ask is not “How do I deal with this difficult person?” but rather, “What is this person showing me that I don’t want to know or confront about myself?”
We repress our ability to recognize unacceptable actions that we are doing so we can feel better about acting in those unacceptable ways. We become hyper-alert to anything that resembles that behavior we deny in ourselves, intensely focusing on the slightest hint of that behavior in others or imagining it where it doesn’t even exist. I’m not suggesting that abhorrent behavior one observes in another is behavior we exhibit, or that it is not “normal” to disagree or dislike this behavior. But being able to disagree with or identify destructive behavior in a healthy way with others wouldn’t “trigger” us into being a willing participant in their crossfire of emotion. You can’t have a healthy discussion with an unhealthy person.
This can also work on the positive side, yet we rarely acknowledge projecting good qualities onto others. I was at an industry focused workshop once and the keynote speaker asked us to name a person we most admired and list the qualities we admired the most about that person. The speaker went on to suggest that those are the qualities that we possess and are part of our value system or internal spirituality. We don’t often acknowledge the fabulous unique qualities that make us who we are!
What can you do? Regardless of whether we are blaming or projecting, we need to tend to our “inner game” for good mental health. We all make comments about other people from time to time. But if you’re preoccupied with somebody else’s behavior or certain flaws you see in others, do a mental check to see if you may be talking about yourself.
Be kind to yourself and be grateful for the people who allow you to become aware of your “shadow” behavior. They are your greatest teachers who will ultimately help you grow and be your best self.
Start by journaling or listing all the ugly, judgmental thoughts you have about your family and any other people who seem to trigger you. What do you hate most about them? What appalling things have they done to you? Now, change places. Go through your complaint list and put yourself in the place of the person you’re criticizing. Read through the list again and be honest. Journal what you love about the people that “trigger” you. It is just as important to connect to the good in others as it is to identify the shadow in ourselves. The good and the not-so-good are all a reflection of who we are, and awareness is vital to our spiritual growth.
Adjust your expectations and don’t expect that holiday gatherings are a place to “heal” old wounds. It is about group dynamics, not individual dynamics. Don’t expect people to change or want to change just because you are on a growth path. Phone a friend or bring one that will allow you to download your emotions if you anticipate an emotional time.
Employ the appropriate boundaries necessary for your tolerance. For example, limiting the opportunity to get into heavy discussions by staying at a hotel or going out for a walk. Maybe saying no and not going out of obligation is the right thing to do. Choose wisely and honor your choice; don’t go and be resentful. Knowing ahead of time when you get triggered can help you plan your boundaries.
Have a sense of humor about your limitations… put the fun in dysFUNctional! If we can’t laugh at ourselves first, we are taking life way too seriously. There are some roles and behaviors that, no matter how old we get and how much time passes, they re-emerge.
Know what amplifies your triggers. Too much alcohol, too much time, too much political talk, whatever the triggers, plan ahead and be aware so you can mitigate the warfare.
Focus on the traditions you love and create more fun and unique traditions together. Talk about what you love and admire in each other rather than world events and politics. World leaders and politicians aren’t discussing you or your family, so don’t give them a seat at your dinner table.
Create a mantra to use for your family, such as “I see my family through the eyes of love.” When the conversation begins to turn even the slightest bit, interrupt by silently using your mantra to remind you to go to the restroom or receive a phone call. This will allow “cooling off time,” and when you return, you can redirect the conversation to a more positive topic. Have some of those topics in your back pocket so you can easily and smoothly transition to them without the other person or people feeling unheard or unvalidated from their discussion.!
The important thing to remember is that YOU are in control of your thoughts and emotions, and you can pre-plan the contingency. You have an arsenal of experience to help you through the topics or you can enlist another family member who shares your feeling to help you with your strategy.
Don’t allow your holiday gatherings to end in anger; one of those visits will be the last time you see your loved one. Let go of anger, reconnect with the love in your heart, and remember the positive things about your loved ones. One of my favorite bands of all time was the Beatles. Let us learn from their wisdom. Paul McCartney wrote “Let It Be,” and John Lennon said, “Everything will be okay in the end; if it’s not okay, it isn’t the end.”
